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[ I can't risk you. he swallows, his skin feeling hot again as his vision wavers and he looks down at his feet. looking up at steve feels like a goddamn chore now, but getting up is impossible, and when his eyes cast downward he doesn't see the floor but the dark pit of his dream, steve laying lifeless at his feet. a little jump goes through him, ice in the pit of his stomach as he forces his neck to crane up until it hurts, eyes shining bright and wet. ]

I... [ how is he supposed to react to any of this? where's pepper? where's bruce and rhodey to tell him what the fuck to do? ] Can you sit down? You're like, a mountain in a man suit. Come on, this is actually hurting my neck.

[He wants to put his hand on his shoulder to comfort him. Steve is so convinced Tony will hate him that he holds back. He practically stares a whole through the man until their eyes meet. He retreats with a nod to get a chair.] Okay... sure.

[Steve pulls up a chair and just waits for judgment. There must be something, right?]

[ for some reason, it helps. once they're on eye level again, he visibly deflates. he almost says 'thanks' but ends up just biting his lip and combing through his thoughts until he can come up with something better. steve is apologizing, he should say something. he's trying to protect him, the whole thing feels... foreign. ]

I, uh. I haven't been the best teammate either. Do you know what they said when SHIELD was first putting together the Avengers? They said I was a Grade A Narcissist, that I'd never learn to work with other people. Maybe they weren't so far off.

[ he can't make eye contact, but he smiles a little, though it's impossibly soft and bordering on wan. ]

This probably isn't news to - anyone. I was like, the last to know, okay, but I have... an anxiety disorder? I'm not making excuses, it just might- I'm getting off-track already, huh? Making this about me. Your friend is here, your brother. It's good that he remembers you now, isn't it?

[ rambling as always, but he eventually sounds soberer, pinching his wrists between his knees as he pitches forward and looks steve in the eye at last. ]

Edited 2018-09-22 20:02 (UTC)

Don't say that. I'm the jerk keeping secrets here. [Maybe he would have agreed once upon a time. Things have changed on the hunt for the scepter. Tony's tried so hard and given so much to them. He'd have to be made of ice to think SHIELD was right now.] I do appreciate what you've done for me since we teamed back up. I know I don't say it enough, but I do. I'm proud to wear our symbol. I feel like it's the only good thing I've done since I got back.

[He puts away the anxiety disorder reveal for now. He honestly didn't know. Steve bows his head and just lets go of what he's thinking.] It's great that he remembers me. I want him back even if I know things will never be the same. Even if I can never be who I was again, it still feels like a part of me came back to life.

[Steve looks back up, meeting his eyes. His eyes are bright too with unshed tears as he slowly lets go of the fear and pain; his voice is thick with emotion.] The man you met on that helicarrier is a ghost. This whole time I've been haunting everywhere I go. I don't belong anywhere. I don't have anything so when I see him here alive and whole it just... It can't be real. I think to myself that can't be it. I can't get a break, can I? That's why I'm scared. I do have something to lose; the team. That's the only thing I ever managed to get since I came back. That has to be the price, right? I can't just have him back. That's not how this works.

[Steve lets out a broken laugh. It sounds crazy, but look at how he got Peggy and Bucky came to begin with. Is it really wrong to feel like this is the prelude to something horrible? That Tony will be killed because that's just how his life goes?]

[ he grimaces at that, feeling like he's been keeping things too, but... okay, it's not the murderer of his parents. he still can't really reconcile that with reality, or that the man who did this could be sleeping peacefully down the hall from them. ]

You said he tried to kill you. How do you know you're not his target?

[ tony heard all the rest, but he's allowed to care, too. he's not buying this ghost bullshit, sorry steve. ]

[Steve grimaces. He's been so worked up over his guilt and fear that he forgot himself. The truth is he's actually the one who would be first to go. It shows on his face instantly. Even if Tony didn't know him the hesitation is too obvious a tell for anyone to miss.] ... I don't know actually. I was his last mission when HYDRA was calling the shots so it's a possibility.

Wait. He tried to kill you on purpose and you're worried about him hurting me?

[ fuck this. he pops out of his chair and moves to start pacing. ]

Steve... Even if back home we weren't good at this? We have to be here. We have to be partners. We have to trust each other. Are you following?

I'm following. I'm sorry. [Steve watches him pace the room. Spoilers: he is worrying about that anxiety disorder right about now. If they're going to be partners, Steve has to bring him up to speed though. He hesitates again before getting to the truth.]

... He actually tried more than once. He's the one who shot up my apartment back when he was trying to only kill Fury on purpose. Natasha might have been a target too. I think he mostly wanted me dead considering the history there. When I said I was worried about you, I might have meant likely after he killed me. You'd be the second target if it came to that.

[Don't you just love actual blond Steve Rogers right about now, Tony?]

[ he can't believe what he's hearing right now. that image keeps flashing every time he blinks his eyes, steve telling him it's all his fault. steve dying... because of him. and here he is, like a nightmare-come-true, telling him bucky has to get through him to get tony? and that he likely will? ]

If you're dead, I'm fucked, so let's back this up a little, Keystone Cowboy. You said he didn't remember you? Did he remember anything? Are you sure he remembers now? Have you... tested him at all?

[ he appreciates steve coming to see him after, but he doesn't like the idea of steve going back to face bucky alone again. not when he sounds this scared. for tony though. he really has zero regard for himself and that's not helping matters either. ]

[Steve nods. He can't argue that and the rest he agrees with.] That's right. I think the only reason I'm alive is that when it came time to- [This is where the light goes off in his brain that part shouldn't be shared. He doesn't want to scar Tony for life by hearing he basically decided to die once.] Actually you don't need to hear that part. I haven't tested him. He just got worried because I'm sick. He acted like he did back then.

I don't need to hear that part? Dude.

[ he wishes he were sitting again, but instead he's just staring at steve from halfway across the small room. dum-e tips his head to scrutinize the captain like he's mimicking his dad. ]

Has it not occurred to you that if he is still a sleeper agent that he'd say what he wants you to hear?

Right, sorry. We went over this. [Steve starts before the question stops him cold.] No, it hasn't. He was pretty direct the first few times. I figured if that were an option, they'd have done it from the start.

[He looks from one judgy face to the other and slumps. Steve knows how this sounds out loud despite never voicing it. He did promise to be better even without saying the actual words.] Once the helicarriers were down, I stopped fighting him. I let him hurt me to see if it'd trigger anything. When I brought up something from the day I buried Ma, he stopped. I think he stopped me from drowning too. There's no other explanation for me getting out of the water. That's the part you didn't need to hear.

You might be right, that's why I'm asking questions.

[ ugh. he takes a few steps back over to steve only to stop dead in his tracks again. I let him hurt me. it sounds like a crazy plan of a suicidal madman. like who, him? maybe they're not so different after all. ]

I think it's pretty damn relevant if you think he saved you. If you think he's still in there. [ tony worries his lip, knowing this next one is going to hurt them both, but he needs to ask. he just hopes steve understands why. ] You're sure... that when - if - whatever. When he killed my- when he murdered my family that it was under orders?

[ that he didn't just snap on his own. soldiers do it all the time, ones who had only been through half of what james barnes had. ]

Edited 2018-09-23 03:51 (UTC)

[It hurts so badly, but Steve doesn't waiver. He is completely confident in his answer. Unsurprisingly, he gets it if only because of Sam.] Yes, it could only be under orders. Tony, the last night we were together as us back in Brooklyn, he begged me to go with him to see your dad. He admired Howard Stark way before he was ever a part of our lives. He knows the only reason the serum didn't kill me is because Howard's contributions to the project. Your dad is one of the last people he'd ever want dead. Your mom...

[He shakes his head, having the sense to at least be embarrassed at his ignorance.] I don't know anything about her, but I know Buck. He spent his life protecting a sick kid and single mom until the day she died. There's no way he'd kill an innocent woman especially one that looked a little like my ma. He'd freeze if he were in control.

[ he listens to it all as he makes the rest of the way over, turning his chair around and sitting down heavily, straddling it backward and resting his arms on the back. the look he gives steve is sober, tired. but even so it isn't unkind. ]

You know him better than anyone. Find out what he remembers, but... tell me when you're going so I know where you are.

[ he holds back the please but it's in his tone anyway. ]

I can't risk you either.

[Steve meets his gaze and truly feels miserable. He put too much on Tony, he feels. It's better this way, he thinks. Steve didn't like the secrets even if they felt necessary at the time.] As soon as we're done here. We were always together before the war. I'm honestly surprised he kept himself away for this long while I'm sick.

[He rubs his eyes as the memories flood back. They are dimmer and the color and sound is off thanks to his eyes and bad ear. The content is still there though.] He hovered whenever it got bad. The fact that I can get sick again isn't going over too well with him so if I'm not with you, I'll be with him. I'll ask questions and let you know what I find out. I'll come back every night. If he's really himself, he'll respect it even if he doesn't like it.

I can't say I blame him. It's freaking me out too.

[ that steve can get sick. he pulls out the tissue the man gave him again and presses it to his nose just in time for a sniffle. god, this place is pathetic. ]

I don't like the idea of you being alone with him. [ but he's respecting it too. they have to trust each other. right? those were his own words. he shuts his eyes against the impending pressure in his head, it feels like it's about to explode. ] I keep... I keep having this dream. It's a nightmare, actually.

[ he snuffles again before putting the tissue back in his pocket and fixing steve with his miserable stare. ]

If you die, I'm gonna be pissed. Okay?

[Steve hears him out. He wouldn't be any happier in his position, but at least they're not fighting over it. That's a small comfort in a sea of discomfort. It's not that Steve is any less sick than the other man. He just wears illness like an old coat. The pressure in his head is like an old friend. He thinks he's sniffled out for now.

His brow knits at the nightmare. He wants to ask, but he's not sure that's fair right now. Steve does reassure him.] We're still a team. I'm not leaving you without a fight here.

[That's a promise though note the here. He can't say the same back home. His expression softens at the rest.] And whatever you're afraid of... you know I'm here. We can talk about it when you're ready.

[ the look he gives steve is bloodshot, he's toast. but he's hanging on by a thread right now, because this is important. he picks up the discrepancy and pretends he doesn't: here. loud and clear, wow. the second this is over, so is their truce. he gets it. but he's too tired to hold back anymore. ]

This. I'm afraid of... this. Losing you. It being my fault. I'd say this qualifies.

[ steve protecting him from a murderer, he means. ]

[Steve looks completely confused in response. If anything that should be his line. That says everything about how Steve sees their relationship. He doesn't have the first clue what Tony thinks or feels. It's going to bite him again sooner rather than later.] Why would you be scared of that before today? You're the one who almost died for us. Even if I went down protecting you from the Winter Soldier, it'd still be on me. If I had protected Bucky when it counted none of this would have happened. Why would you ever think my death would be your fault?

You're the leader of our team, but I'm its daddy. I've wanted this for a long time, a team to protect the world - as awesome as I am, even I need help. And when I found you— helped find you, I know. I'm working on it. Humblebrag, much? But, no, look, it's.

[ jesus christ his head hurts. he rubs at a temple, trying to piece together a sentence isn't going great right now. ]

I'm responsible for what happens to you. Just like he was. My dad. It's not just you, though, it's all of them. All of us. If you guys get hurt, that's on me. Because this whole project... it was my idea.

[Steve can only shake his head. That's wrong on so many levels. He has to accept this is how Tony sees it if only because he can't change it. He can only make a gentle suggestion; steer him in the right direction.] I respect you feel that way. Really. I need you to understand that I'm a soldier who volunteered to be part of a war where death was as common as breathing. Most of us didn't come back. Don't put what happens to me on yourself. You're just asking to get hurt.

[He was never built to last.]

[ god this is getting worse and worse. typical them, actually. the back and forth is almost comforting, in a way. ]

You keep saying you respect me, what I think, as a way to dismiss me. You didn't sign up for this war, Cap. You fought yours and won. I'm the one who dragged you back into the ring.

[Steve actually doesn't have a counter-argument for that one. He realizes that Tony is right on both counts. He is dismissing him. Tony also made sure he came back from the dead. He crosses his arms in front of him uncomfortably. In a way, Tony really isn't all that different from Astoria. She dragged him in because he's good at what he does too without ever asking if it was what he wanted.] You did what you had to do. I'm not angry about it anymore.

[It's just a bad fit; living.]

[ anymore. he lets out a shallow breath. ]

I'm sorry.

[ for disturbing his rest, for all the bullshit that came after. ]

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